I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
