Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
