Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
