You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Randomize
