Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
