On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
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