im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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