How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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