I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
