Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
