she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
