You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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