If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
