Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
