I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
