My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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