i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
