I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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