Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize