Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
