Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She even gives head with a lisp.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
