Me. At least after what I've been through.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
