that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
