fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
