Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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