I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
