Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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