Your face is a jimmy john
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
