omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
