Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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