I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Randomize
