I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
