just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
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