We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
