I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
