I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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