I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
