I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
