Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
