Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Please don't give away my fajitas
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
