things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
