Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
