Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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