i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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