If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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