No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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