Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
