So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Randomize
