I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
