I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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