It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
