his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
