nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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