UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
