My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
