Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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