this just has baby written all over it
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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