Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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