It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Come see our sink grown plant.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
