if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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